Archive for the ‘Who Thunk It?’ Category
September 17, 2007
Oldies but goodies from the old church blooper reel…
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”
The sermon tonight will be: “Searching for Jesus”
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.
Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. …prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 8 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours.”
September 13, 2007
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $200 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over-so now we’re going to Sea World.”
September 12, 2007
Next time you get a wrong number try something like the following…
“Hello?”
A girl’s voice came over the line.
“Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number & I was bored.
“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.
“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”
Silence on the other end…a confused silence.
“Is this Steve?”
My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”
“Well…he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”
A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean…who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”
“Yes…please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.
“I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”
She exploded this time. “Who’s Jennifer?”
Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well…he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry…it was an honest mistake.”
“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s Very Upset and that I would Like Him to Call Me as Soon As He Gets Home.”
I smiled and said, “Okay, I will…but Becky isn’t going to like this…”
” Click. “
September 11, 2007
Law of Economics:
The amount needed for the present emergency is always in direct proportion to the amount you had saved for a vacation.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
September 3, 2007
Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”
Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Joshua: “Good Vibrations”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Jeremiah: “Take This Job and Shove It”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy”
